Good things don't last, a nagging voice in my head warns me. You may be feeling good right now but something bad will surely come along soon.
Is the looming threat of pain as inevitable as my inner critic tells me? Well, we do know that life in this body is finite. Everything is transient, impermanent. But this fact can become a source of fear (sh*t, I could die tomorrow!) or a source of openness and possibility (how precious is my life and every moment unfolding!)
I am learning to choose possibility and positivity. And, for me at least, it is not a floating-away-in-the-clouds, one-time decision to make. It is a nitty-gritty, in the trenches process. Here is what it might look like:
1. I have a fearful thought.
2. I feel my body tightening; I feel the knot in my stomach.
3. As I notice my contraction into a fear-influenced state, I have a choice: let the fear take me over, or hold it in my hands.
4. If I can hold it in front of me, see it, acknowledge it, validate it, then I can let it go. I can offer it to the light, and feel my internal poise realigning with the light and peace that I am.
Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash
Throughout the day, I repeat the process. I worry. I get stuck. I choose to release.
Most of the time, at least. Sometimes I am still pulled into the dark cage of fear, feeling trapped. It may be due to exhaustion. It may be a case of automatically taking the well-worn path of negativity. Or it may be self-sabotage, which at its root is just a form of protection.
Whaaaaaat??? How can self-sabotage be a form of protection? Well let's go back to my original limiting belief: good things don't last. This could certainly be called self-sabotage since the thought can rapidly bring me down from a state of happiness, enjoyment or relaxation. But in a backward way, my psyche is just trying to protect me from disappointment. Feeling amazing for a long time brings me out of my comfort zone where I stay small and safe. The possibility of big dreams and present-moment-fulfillment also comes with the risk of pain and disappointment. So it's no wonder that part of me tries to stay in the familiar mode of surviving rather than thriving.
It is such a relief to stop berating myself for my self-sabotaging thoughts, and instead to honor them as a form of self-protection. I can acknowledge them without letting the worry take over. I can reach out my hands and let it go into the light. As I do so, I feel my own light strengthening with each day.